£5.00
164 in stock
By Bernice Beirer
ISBN: 978-1-84747-494-0
Published: 2008
Pages: 96
Key Themes: autobiographical, difficult childhood, relationships, gender, dominatrix, love,
Description
This book tells the story of events from an unhappy childhood, due to an alcoholic and violent stepfather. Through to an end of an eighteen year relationship and marriage due to her partner leaving her for another women. However the other women in fact was her husband, who secretly lived with gender dysphoria, until he could fight it no more. The story also tells of how the family was torn apart by love and betrayal and the consequences. It also explains how Bernice became a dominatrix, which she still practices today.
About the Author
Bernice was born in Hampshire in 1969 where she still resides today. Bernice like many others has suffered bouts of depression, due to events throughout her life.
Happily married after one failed marriage, she is continuing with her profession of domination as well as studying psychology and writing a fictional novel.
Book Extract
Not long after Stephen had gone, my mum had another partner; he was to be her biggest mistake, and one she would suffer under for eighteen years. His name was Alex; she met him whilst working as a barmaid in a local pub, someone whom, she thought to be well off. As he wore gold and ruby rings, and was always flashing money about down the pub. Unfortunately he turned out not to be what, she had expected.
I remember not liking this new man, I can remember him, holding my cat Trixy by the scruff of her neck, and thrashing the living daylights out of her, because she had made a mess, but as it turned out she was sick, and died a little after that.
I also remember, my little brother being dragged into his bedroom at age four, and given a good hiding with a slipper, because he had wet himself, I can still picture that now sitting at the top of the stairs, with the door ajar, listening to his screams, I don’t recall my mothers presence.
I took the chewing gum out of my mouth and stretched it from one side of the wall to the other, a trap for him to trip on and fall down the stairs, but when the door opened, I changed my mind, and quickly put it back in my mouth. So already at an early age I had started to feel fear. My mum had said in later years. That Alex wasn’t around then. So who did those things? I guess I will never know, but the memories still haunt me occasionally.
It’s funny how your memory, blocks things out. You can picture what happened clearly, but you can’t or won’t focus on who is doing it. If only you could put a face to the dark and distant figure, then maybe things would make sense.
And still to this day, there are many things, that I can’t piece together, and many flash backs that occur, and it’s the slightest thing that trigger them off, a look from someone or an atmosphere. But I guess you just learn to cope with them.
We eventually ended up in a little town called Lee-On-Solent in a three bed roomed council flat, and my brother Richard, was no longer with us, as he had behavioural problems. My mum couldn’t cope, so he was taken into care, but I don’t remember at what point that was. I know my mother took me over to visit him once, in the children’s home, but he refused to see her, so we went home.
I never saw Richard again until I was twenty seven; I always used to think about him a lot, where he was, did he have a new family, was he safe and happy, and that no one was hurting him, and there was nothing that I could do to protect him, as I didn’t even know where he was.
I was left with the feeling that a piece of me was missing and there were no memories of us playing together, or even him leaving, only a few memories of bad things, so I had nothing to show that he even existed, there were no pictures around the house and his name was never mentioned again for a long time.
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