Through the Eyes of a Manic


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198 in stock


By Lesley Watson

ISBN: 978-1-84747-479-7
Published: 2007
Pages: 18
Key Themes: strength and recovery, post-natal psychosis, bi-polar manic depression, abuse


My book is the vivid memory of the psychotic state of mind that I experienced after the birth of my first child. I try to explain how it actually feels to be manic and, although my body was on earth, my mind had taken me into a wild dimension, a frightening and frustrating place. I had been diagnosed with puruple psychosis; a very serious case. I wouldn’t respond to any medication as my will was too strong. And I didn’t sleep night and day for three and a half weeks.

I was ill after my second child and then became a regular visitor to the psychiatric ward. In 1992 I was diagnosed a manic-depressive. I found the psychiatrist a waste of time; when I became manic they treated my illness but did nothing to help me talk through my problems. The drugs given helped at the time, as they would push the problems to the back of my mind; unfortunately they kept coming back again and again. My brain is very logical and there had to be a reason and an answer for everything; it would go into search mode trying to find out why. I had no control over it and it wouldn’t stop until it was satisfied with the conclusion.

In my book I explain how I felt trapped with nowhere to turn; there was no hope left but to carry on causing havoc and visiting the ward. When I first went for my E.C.T the anaesthetist would say “here she is the one who can count to fifty before she gets knocked out!” I would even try to fight that, as my mind didn’t want to slow down.

The mind is a very powerful thing and I have experienced mine at full power!! At one time I was shuffling my feet and dribbling from the mouth; I must have looked as though I was auditioning for house on the haunted hill. But I was still there, I think the worst thing was remembering my family, my mother and father coming to visit and seeing their little girl like that, but as much as I tried to communicate with them I couldn’t!

Writing my book was great therapy for me as, although it was difficult, I was able to put it away and keep it in the past. I hope it will inspire other people to write their experiences down even if it just gets put in a draw as mine did for two years until I was ready to do something with it. Obstacles will always be thrown at you in life but they are nothing compared to the mountains I’ve climbed!

About the Author

Lesley Watson was born in the north of England; she had a wonderful child hood with an older sister and a younger brother. Her father was a deeply religious man who brought them up in a catholic environment; they all attended church weekly in their Sunday best, and Lesley Watson has fond memories of her childhood whilst living in the north of England.

The family moved to the south of England in 1977 when Lesley Watson was nine. When she was thirteen her life took a drastic turn; she held on to a lot of pain and anguish but some how managed to hold onto her sanity.

Lesley Watson married in 1988 and after the birth of her first child in1989 Lesley Watson suffered a severe psychosis; this whole occurrence was undoubtedly linked to her terrible experience when aged 13 and this further traumatic illness affected her for another ten years. Lesley Watson was diagnosed a manic-depressive and had to live with the stigma of this awful illness. She wanted desperately to talk about her experience and what she was feeling but her psychiatrist insisted that she not talk about it as it would bring on another manic episode.

In 1995 Lesley Watson divorced after seven years of an abusive relationship. Her father died in 1998 and that was the last time she visited that psychiatric ward; previous to this Lesley Watson was having manic episodes every nine to twelve months. Her neighbours seemed to fear the illness and many people took advantage of her.

In January 2000 she married for the second time to a kind and understanding man. He was the only person in Lesley Watson’s life who listened to her without worrying that she was becoming manic, he held her close and let her cry the pain away, without calling the psychiatrist. He was someone who would listen again, and again and most of all he never judged her!!!

Until then she had suppressed all her feelings, too scared to talk or to let them out for fear of mania. As no one would listen to her, her emotions would take over. Knowing that mania was on its way there was no control over the terrifying feeling of going high.

What Lesley Watson has achieved in life! She has four beautiful children, although advised not to have any more; they are all worth the pain, suffering and anguish. She is proud of them, loves them all dearly and wouldn’t change them for the world. She has been well now for almost seven years, and has been off medication since January 2005. Life isn’t a bed of roses, and there are lots of challenges, but to come through the other side and to be able to hold her head up high is a great achievement!

Book Extract

I was born in the north of England. I have an older sister; Tereasa and a younger brother; Jason. I had lived in the north England for nine years, although we moved around a lot with my father’s job.

My father was a very strict man and was a devoted catholic. Every Sunday all three children would put on their Sunday bests and attend church. My memory of church is; if I was naughty my father would march me to the outside of the church and smack me, not beat me but a small smack to teach me discipline. The same would happen to Tereasa and Jason if they misbehaved. My mother was a lovely woman. She worked hard keeping the house in order; washing, ironing and taking care of her three adorable children. My mum and dad loved each other dearly, they never argued or drank alcohol and my dad worked very hard to give his wife and children the best he could.

I was happy living up north but my dad was reposted and we had to move to the south. I was nine years old when we moved.

At first I found it difficult to adjust to my new school but it didn’t take long before I made new friends. The head master of the school would walk around using his fist to ‘knuckle head’ the boys on the head, I was terrified of him. There was one time when me and one of my friends were called to his office, we had fallen out with another girl and were being nasty to her, but when we went to the headmaster’s office we didn’t expect to be threatened with the cane. I stood there knees and legs uncontrollably shaking. Although I knew what we had done was wrong, I thought being told off by the headmaster would have been enough to put the fear of god into me, but he stood there hitting the cane on the desk. It was a sight I would never forget and would have nightmares of him vigorously slamming it down.

My sister was very intelligent; she passed all of her exams so the government would pay for her to go to private school. This gave her a step in the right direction. I, however, was more of a daydreamer; I was just as clever but didn’t follow in her footsteps.

My real problems began when I attended secondary school. It was a catholic school twenty miles away from where I lived. I was quiet and petite which made me an immediate a target for the bullies. I was teased day in and day out, pushed, nudged and tripped over. Because of this I began to skip off school. One day whilst wondering around I met a girl a year younger than myself, her name was Louise.

Louise had a northern accent and it turned out that she was from the same town as me. We became really close friends and Louise introduced me to many girls and boys. I began going out all the time hanging around with Louise and a group of older boys. My parents were not happy about this but me and Louise became inseparable.

There was one lad that I really liked, his name was Paul and he was 16. One night he invited Louise and me back to his friend’s house. John, Paul’s friend, had the house to himself as his parents had gone on holiday.

It was September and the nights drew in early. Louise and I both had to be in by nine but it was still quite early so we decided to go.

Louise left the house in plenty of time to get home but as I only lived a couple of mins away I decided to stay a little longer. As soon as Louise had left Paul took hold of my hand and led me upstairs. I was thirteen years old had an innocent mind and body. Paul led me straight into the bathroom as it had a lock on it. At the time I didn’t panic as my probity didn’t register what he intended to do. That night my whole life fell apart.


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