I have taken so many years to find out whom I am for real. I have tried as much as possible to be the person people have advised me to be. People have advised me to be humble, to be good, to be helpful and to be obedient, to be my best in the various situations in which I find myself. I have thought it so too. I have tried my best to be my best and to do the best. I have found out that my best can only be when I become and remain whom I was created to be. The things I do from morning to evening only end up making me whom I am. They make me as happy as what the Lord has made me to be. I have found out that meditating and writing down what I think is the best thing I can ever do and has ended up to be my destiny, my duty in this world – to write down what is real but seem hidden inside the inner man. It is the most important thing to me. It is that aspect of my life from which I tend to get most of my satisfaction, that me with which I can help others and serve the world, without which I will be somehow “useless” or find myself practically lost and unproductive.

I needed to take to take what I was being told and what I thought, my life experiences from day to day, in and out of home in order to be able to balance up in and out of me. This is true for any other person out there who goes through the day from minute to minute striving the sacrificing and have sweat gush out for his or her body pores to be his or her best. But as I went along in life I had to be the principal judge in what I faced. I had to tried in my energies to make it in the right way while I was alone and only heard the voices that pronounced and sang the songs of victory while I carried along, while I worked with and pondered on their beautiful ideas. I have tried to make the best judgments. I worked hard to make real decisions; to judge standing alone, in the midst of others and before others. I tried to practice so many things in hiding consciously doing so and when naturally alone. I had to so many things over and over again to make sure that I could do everything well, like learning to be a good public speaker or a good decision maker. I felt so nervous doing so many things even when was alone. The reason for this is simple; I had always had the thought that if I can do something perfectly when standing alone then I should also as well be able to do them in the midst of other people. I should be able to do it in front of other people. This, sometime ago became the greatest of my challenges. I had to sit down and first of all think about what I could really do that will make meaning both to me and to others when I am with them, whether something unique or not but it should for sure be some thing that is acceptable and important both to me and to the society. It should be something that I naturally enjoy doing. Something in which I can progress from day to day. Something that can help me to be a better person in life, that I can enjoy telling people about, not too common, although not hidden but interesting and that I really understood. Something that may be what people will really want to hear about, that people will encourage me to develop even further, not something that will actually make me look like a superhuman but one in which the Lord can happily bless me in. Something I can actually take up as a duty in life that can boost my personality others around me. Something with which I can help if possible my country and other people in other parts of the world to improve on the deteriorating state of the human mind.

I had to sit down for so many months and years to think. For a very long time I could not bring out anything reasonable or just very little if I did at all. The more I thought, the more I became frustrated, the more I felt my hormones change to levels I could not really understand, gradually I started becoming one of the most unhappy persons in the world. The more I thought about bringing out something really concrete, the more I became depressed and stressed up, the more I became worried for not being able to bring up myself to my little dream. Question after question flooded my mind: Why was it that I was thinking of something good and instead of becoming happier I was becoming much more unhappy. Why was it that my life was turning around and going backward? Why was it that my life was having a negative turn out even worse than the situation in which I was a few years back? Actually I thought that then I should have become even more experienced and approached life like a more mature person. Why was it that I was becoming even more somewhat “backward”? I realized that I could not understand myself anymore. Why were there all these changes? My duty at that time was to understand those changes, why they came and where they were taking me to.