That’s me all over, let them work at it, he will tell me if he wants to and he is trying hard to make me interested. He had been trying to entertain me with stories of his time in Thailand, all sexually explicit.

I knew he had an interest in BDSM, he was always talking of his escapades…. how he would take a girl out to the forest and tie her to a tree and flog her, tie her up, put her naked in the boot of his car and drive to an abandoned barn, bundle her out and leave her there, naked and anticipating. Not knowing what was to come. That he would come back with several men and watch them fuck her, was her fantasy, would he fulfil it….’She was creaming herself thinking of what was to come’, he said. She was shivering with cold and anticipation….

He was trying to build me up to his way of thinking, he had been doing it for years, and he could see something in me that I couldn’t see myself. I had always seen myself as a person who tried to please everyone, a bit forthright and liking things my own way and ruling my kids with looks and a metaphorical iron rod. In the end, he got himself so wound up that he had to tell me why he had come to visit.

My friend, who I knew of, as a Dominant wanted me to dominate him. Jeez what the hell do I do? He gave me half an hour to digest this. My poor little unimaginative mind was whirling, Domination. DOMINATION. Oh My God…

He was getting excited at the prospect of me playing with him, It was a hot day, so I told him he should go to the bathroom and strip, he would be bathing me, drying me then dressing me.

I wasn’t used to these things happening to me so I was putting on a brave front, quaking in my boots really. My instincts telling me that this wasn’t what he wanted, but I hadn’t a clue what he did want. When we went into the bedroom, him with a submissive stance, well nearly, he was putting on a half hearted attempt, making it hard for me to read him, not that I knew what I was looking for.

He then opened his Aladdin’s cave, his bag, and showed me the goodies within… What on earth was I to do with deep heat? That stuff hurts like hell where am I to put that… where it won’t hurt him too much. Poor naive me, mistake number one, I didn’t apply it.

Then there were things that looked like they would really hurt, ’those go on your nipples…really? Ouch. You don’t honestly want me to hit you with this do you?’ God I was so stupid, I hadn’t got my head around any of the concept of BDSM…

This chap made me feel very uncomfortable, I was out of my comfort zone, he was not able to teach me, coach me, help me in any way. Though in the future, it seems his approach to introducing me to this way of life worked. He continued to be very unhelpful when I went to him time and time again to learn more. He said it had to come from within, to be natural. But just what was it I had to do? To feel?

At first he let me watch some videos, then let me take some home, they looked amateur and silly, women inflicting pain on men, they weren’t enjoying what they were doing, so why do it, dead pan faces, then screaming and shouting at their clients, why? I could never do that, and to this day never have.

Still he wouldn’t tell me anything about the mentality of the Scene, I would have to work it out for myself. I’m really not sure why I pursued this way of life, as I thought at the time it went against everything I believed in. But the longer I play with people the more I understand. Giving them a release from thinking, being mindless for a while, a release from responsibility.

I get a lot of pleasure from my work, I have learned…or was it always there? To read people, to make a session flow, to know what they want and to give it to them. But though I have gone back and played with my friend once, I could never go there again, I would not get any satisfaction from him, I need to feed from my submissive enjoyment, and he shows none, he is too busy trying to direct the scenario, getting no pleasure as he won’t give into the enjoyment…