I moaned. The voice of the paramedic seemed like it was in a dream, unreal somehow. The mixture of drugs I had taken had left me incapable of speech and movement. I could hear him but he sounded far, far away.

I didn’t care; someone at last was looking after me again. I could hear voices above me. I felt strong hands on my body, grabbing me under my armpits in an effort to get me up off the floor. I felt heavy and without an ounce of strength in my muscles. My head fell back and for a split second I opened my eyes. The bright kitchen light had been put on and it pierced my eyes, making them sting. I knew what I had done, but I didn’t care. The void had gone and my heart didn’t hurt anymore. Blurry edges, softened and hazy, in and out, floating through space and time unaffected and unaware of what was happening, blessed with the respite from torture.

I closed my eyes again and relaxed into the warm, safe place I had put myself, lay back in the arms of the paramedic and put myself in his hands. I was dying. My life was slipping away without me even being aware of it. All I knew and felt was that I was in heaven. I had escaped hell, I had been saved…yet I was dying from an overdose of a lethal concoction of diazepam, antidepressants, sleeping tablets, paracetamol and aspirin. I didn’t care. The pain had gone, once again the only safe haven I found was near death.

*

After a string of destructive, failed relationships, five overdose attempts, a myriad of scars all over my body and a history of deep, dark depression, I find myself at last in a place of love and contentment.

In my story I want to offer hope to those of you like me out there.

This is for those of you who didn’t have a childhood, who became little adults before your time through the actions of those around you, those people that were the very people who were meant to be nurturing, loving, and protecting you.

This is for those of you who are suffering the pain and torment of a broken heart and a shattered soul.

This is for those of you who find yourself screaming into your pillow in the morning because you are still alive and cannot bear to face another day in what feels like hell, and by the evening you are so consumed with the hurt and anguish in your heart that you will do anything to escape it using drinking, eating and self-harming to kill the demons that forever haunt you.

I want to show you that you can escape those demons; you can learn to love yourself and accept the past instead of living in it forever. You can find love — true, good, honest love, and you can heal your broken heart. If you hold on to hope, even if it is just a small amount down in the depths of you, you can beat the pain and you can live, at last.

Where once I saw darkness spreading out in front of me, eclipsing the sun of hope and blocking my vision to see the end of the tunnel, I now see light. I see not only the light in front of and around me, but I see the light within me. I have accepted myself for who I am. I nurture myself and treasure the child that still resides within me, I acknowledge and appreciate the strength and courage that I have had, and I am grateful for the lessons and wisdom I have gained and learned throughout my experiences.

Letting go of anger, hate and bitterness towards others and especially myself has set me free, freer than I ever thought possible, because I was always bound by ugly chains, draining the essence of my soul and filling me with such a complete lack of anything substantial that I was drowning in my own story.

In life we have choices. I never knew that before, or I never accepted it. I was so intent on blame and being a victim that I never thought to look at myself. I never thought to ask myself the question, “What do you want?” I never had the courage to look into the bleak abyss that was my heart to find the sparkle of light, the ever burning candle flame that never went out, I never saw that flame because I closed my eyes to it; I shut the door on my own voice of knowing.

A life of violence, abuse, self-loathing, blame, rage, chaos and pointlessness has come full circle to a place of peace, acceptance and serenity.

Every day I am filled with gratitude for my life and everything that has ever happened. My life has given me true gifts. The gifts of compassion, understanding, love and hope.