Anyway, as the night wore on and the beer eased down she seemed to lose weight by the pint, a kind-of liquid diet of sorts.

Then, at the end of the evening, she gently tucked me under her armpit and carried me home, a cheaper but far less comfortable ride than a taxi.

Upon awakening the following morning the initial thrill of feeling an actual living body other than mine in my bed soon dissipated as memories came flooding back.

I couldn’t remember if we had actually done the dirty deed but the human mind has been known to blank out memories to gross or upsetting from its consciousness. The only thing I could really say with any certainty was that she was there, larger than life and in my bed.

Before her I’d only had sex four hundred and fifty times prior. But what a night that was. I was with a girl affectionately known as the hover, because of her ability to suck, blow and pick up anything.

After returning from my reminiscing I turned and looked at her big fat face and it took a tremendous physical effort to prevent me from pucking all over her.

Then my mind turned to thoughts of dirty old men who go through sex change operations just to prey on desperate middle-aged men such as I, but a second glance reassured me that no man I know could live with being that ugly.

It was then that I began plotting on how best to get rid of her. I could allow her to awake to find me sobbing mournfully then confess that our night of passion could have serious repercussions on my application to the priesthood.

Or I could boldly tell her I was a heartless philanderer who changed his woman as often as he changed his socks which, to be honest, wasn’t that often.

Weighing up both options and considering her build and my bottle I concluded that the later wasn’t a viable alternative.

Eventually she awoke and smiled that repulsive smile of hers and once again it took a tremendous physical effort to prevent me from vomiting all over her. Swinging her massive frame upright and unfurling layer upon layer of flab, she sat bare arsed on my bed with what looked like a gorilla hanging from each armpit.

Then she stood, stretched and began plodding across the room. Quick as a flash I sprung into action, leaping to close the curtains incase some unfortunate glanced in the window and be put of sex for life.