By Jimmy Gilmour
Key Themes: bi-polar manic depression, autobiography, nervous breakdown, alcohol, bravery, recovery
This is who I thought I would be. I knew I would be able to write a small book after my second breakdown, but I am not very good at wording things, but I have tried my best. These false beliefs went on until my fifth breakdown. I am not a nutter and I am not mad I just wanted to share my experiences with people that have had similar experiences in life.
By writing this book I thought I would find out where the King of Scotland really came from and put an end to all these false beliefs. I have been through a long and painful journey having Bi-Polar Disorder, then being wrongly diagnosed more than once then being back to Bi-Polar Disorder again.
I have had five nervous breakdowns since 1995 and lost my family and friends, it took me two years after my breakdown to regain my confidence again and get my life back together. After drinking heavily in the past and suicide attempts and over spending money. I never thought I would get married again and have a new family and friends.
I hope the experiences that I have shared with you will be helpful to fellow service users, professionals and people out in the community. To help with the stigma of mental health.
I want people to understand more about mental health problems.
About the Author
Born on the 21 of October 1961,in a place called Kilwinning in Scotland. Two years later my parents wanted a fresh start in England to a place called Thringstone on the Scottish estate, in a two bedroom flat. In 1971 my parents separated, a few years later I left school with no qualifications and got a job working for British coal at Snibston Colliery. In 1985 I got married and three years later we had a daughter, in 1993 I took redundancy I was out of work for a year then I started drinking heavy in 1994 a got a job with a local firm I started to feel unwell and in January1995 I was taken into Carlton Hayes Hospital with my first nervous breakdown at the age of thirty three, My marriage lasted nearly ten years then we separated since then I have had another four breakdowns in that time in and out my Bi-polar episodes I’ve done eleven years voluntary work I first started with the Befriending Scheme for seven years and then went onto The Peoples Forum and that’s were I started for Leicestershire partnership trust, so now I go onto the wards every two weeks and listen and try and help other service users. Then I put in for peer advocacy worker for lamp and got the job then went on a course for seven weeks then on the twenty eighth of February 2008 I got my certificate of achievement for successfully completing the peer advocacy training course my life couldn’t get any better I feel like I am putting something back and helping people who have been in the same situation as me. Now I am on the wards at the Bradgate unit twice a week for two hours it will be a journey for me.
My hobbies are walking three times a week and playing snooker once a week with a friend.
October fourth 1998, the nurses checked my pockets and told me to go and sit down. I thought straight away that I was a detained prisoner. Only half an hour later I looked around and saw eight nurses coming towards me, they got hold of me and took me to my bed. They didn’t tell me what they were doing to me; they pulled down my trousers and injected me. When I came round I got out of my bed looked into the mirror and I had a lot of stubble and I realised that I needed a shave. I asked another patient how long have I been there? He said that I had been asleep for three days, then I realised that I had been given Accuphase. I went to the nurse’s office and asked them for a razor, some shaving foam and some soap. As when I arrived at the hospital I did not have any belonging with me. The nurse told me that it would be ward round and if I would be all right to see the doctor? I replied yes as soon as I have cleaned myself up. I went in to see the doctor and he asked me how I was? I said that I have had a good sleep doctor! It has just left me with a headache. He asked me why I smashed the chip shop windows? I told him that I didn’t know what came over me but I can tell you something I’m going to be the King of Scotland! Are you? What makes you think that? I told him I was half Scottish and half Greek I wouldn’t tell him any more. So I asked him if I could leave ward round? The nurses told me that I could only go around the courtyard with supervision. I asked how I was going to get any money? Not until the doctor says you can go out of the hospital and be able to get to the bank, as my benefits are paid into the bank. I asked the nurse if I could borrow some money for the drinks machine. It was just outside Ashby ward doors, whilst I was getting my drink I saw the police brining another patient in, he didn’t want to go through the doors I told him that it would be better for him to go through the easy way as they will Accuphase you. Then after that we became friends, he walked in with his suit on just like me, and he was a fellow Scotchman just like me. I told him how I ended up there and I thought that I was going to be the king of Scotland. He said you better know who your friends are we were both high laughing and joking in the smoke room. It was getting me down not being able to have any change of clothing, my benefits were paid into the bank but my doctor wouldn’t let me off the ward because he knew that I was still high and ill. The nurse told me that I had been sectioned two I just managed to appeal in time with in the fourteen days of my tribunal. The doctor let me go to ibstock with a nurse because he wanted me to know and see what I had done to my flat now that I was in a reasonable frame of mind. I picked up some clothing and went to the bank to get some money; I also went to Coalville to buy a Walkman stereo then went back into the hospital. I went into the smoke room and I had never smoked before in my life and I lit up a king Edward cigar, I felt that this was part of my bi-polar disorder and still felt high. I went for a walk around the courtyard listened to my music which would make me more higher. I was listening to only the strong survive by Billy Paul. I’d do two hundred laps around the courtyard, when I returned back onto the ward a nurse pinned me down marched me into seclusion, turned my face down onto the mattress took of my clothes apart from my boxer shorts and then injected me with Accuphase. They slammed the doors behind them. It was scary being in seclusion for the first time knowing that you cant get out. I just covered myself over with the blanket and I had fast racing thoughts in my head and also a score head, it felt like a giant hangover, I had half hour sleep in there, three hours later the nurses let me out. I had to go and see the doctor again in ward round. I asked him why have I been given Accuphase again? He didn’t answer me, he told me that they had to change my medication to four hundred milligrams of Lithium and four hundred milligrams of Quetiapine two days later I had an argument with the nurse about my medication they told me that I had taken it, I told them that I hadn’t. I kicked him in the leg and then ran out to the courtyard. The nurses wouldn’t come out to me, I went back into the medication room started to argue with the nurses again, then a nurse gave me a rugby tackle pinned me down to the floor, there were six to eight of them. They put me into the seclusion room, they took all my clothes off apart from my underwear, lay me flat down on the bed and injected me with Accuphase, they also gave me another injection I asked them what it was, they said it was Haloperidol. It calmed me down then they left the room, they kept me in for a good six hours before they let me out. My friend asked me if I was ok. We went into the smoke room and I lit up a cigar, there was another Scotsman in the smoke room we had a great laugh. I was allowed of the ward for a walk, I found myself on the helicopter pad at Glenfied hospital. Singing only the strong survive high as a kite went back onto the ward and told a nurse what I had done. She didn’t half look funny at me, the nurses grabbed hold of me again and took me into the seclusion room and gave me Accuphase again. I stood up on the bed and burst out laughing and told them that there strongest drug didn’t have any effect on me any more. There were a lot of nurse in the room I told them that they were all vampires then they locked the door, when I was in the room I just stayed awake and kept walking round in circles. Three hours later they let me out, I went straight into the smoke room once again and lit up a cigar. Talking to my friend and the other Scotsman I told them that I was going to be the king of Scotland they started to talk about all the kings of Scotland. The other Scotsman knew so much about the other kings of Scotland, and then it started to worry me I didn’t want to learn anymore it made me even higher having these beliefs. I started to listen to century radio until two o’clock in the morning I went into the Scotsman’s bedroom and tipped him out of bed, the bed felt so light then I went back into my bedroom. He told the nurses what I had done to him after breakfast I apologised to him and told him that I was sorry for what I had done. I sat in the living room for a while, and then a nurse came to me and said that I would have to be given Accuphase, I asked what again? I haven’t done anything wrong! The doctor said that you have got to so I let them Accuphase me again. I went to bed that night and started to feel restless and agitated and I couldn’t sleep so I went and told the nurse how I was feeling he said that he would give me some diazepam to help me relax and sleep. I woke up the next morning for breakfast I went out into the courtyard I walked around fifty times then stopped for a cigar, then I would do another fifty laps listening to my music only the strong survive. I went back onto the ward and had my dinner then went back out to the courtyard again and did another fifty laps the nurses were watching me from there office tears running down my face I was feeling high by then it just was starting to get dark. By the time I went back onto the ward I had walked four hundred times around the courtyard. A nurse came over to me and told me that they were going to Accuphase me again they said that they would put me to sleep this time by giving me two hundred milligrams. After they had injected me I asked the nurse if they would get me a drink of pop, as my throat was getting dry. I lay back down onto the bed I had racing thoughts going through my head, my head was spinning I had to take the thoughts from the front of my head slowly to the back as I wanted to get out of bed but I was taking my thoughts from the front to the back of my mind too quickly. I stood up and fall back into bed there was a fine art to it after about an hour I got out of bed. The duty doctor wanted to see me he said to me do you realised that you have just been given Accuphase? I replied yes doctor but my words were slurry he asked me some more questions but I couldn’t remember. I went back onto the ward I knew that I had to keep myself on the ward and not to go back to my bedroom as I felt that I would have been in my bed for a long while.
I hope I have explained the best way as I can about having two hundred milligrams of Accuphase.