CHAPTER 1

Dear Pope John Paul II, Holy Father,

When I first took Communion with the R.C. Church, I idolized the Church and all its members. I was forty-two and in the middle of a psychosis. Christ for me could be reached more easily through the Church and Communion. At that time, I was terrified that my soul was dying, because I’d offered God my soul for the Truth. In my pride and desperation, I thought that I would go one better than Our Lord. I was jealous of Christ as He took first place in His Father’s heart, and though he had suffered on the Cross, I considered I’d suffered more, and was still suffering. Also, I was angry with Jesus because He told us to forgive our enemies, and to love them. I reasoned that He, unlike me, had not been raped as a child by an evil man, subsequently spending the rest of His life living in terror of men, so much so that He died to self in their presence and took on another persona. I couldn’t love a paedophile: to me it would have been like condoning what he had done to my heart, mind and spirit, and my body which had been violated. But I would give Christ a chance to explain how it was possible to love an evil man. First, I had to know what evil was. I looked into the mind of someone who was: I crossed the barrier. It shattered my mind but still I did not understand, but only knew that I might now be capable of evil, as it satisfied a need to be in control of one’s world, and others. It also gave me a sadistic pleasure at seeing the good suffer, because to me they had then become superior and feted by God, just as Christ was. I hated myself, and developed a psychosis that made me believe I had power over life and death; and God was testing me to the limits. I grew angry with a neighbour and she died. I blamed my hateful nature. They put me on a drug which did, in effect, destroy my soul. As it happened, it was only temporary, but it went on for years. For years I could not love or hate, feel fear or anger, grief, or any desire for power, and I could no longer love God, or anyone else. God had, in a sense, given me my wish, but did I also have the Truth? I thought not, until I was put on drugs which allowed me to feel again. I realized then that evil people could not love outside of self, and often not even themselves. They put no value on life, and particularly hated the good and the fortunate. I saw why Christ loved sinners: they were lost souls and needed to be reborn, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They were cut off from humanity and never knew joy. I am so grateful now for the ability to feel again, and even suffering tells me that I am human and capable of fear, pain and tears. I do not think God wants us to suffer, as Jesus was a healer of the body, mind, heart and spirit. I am now trying to get that awful drug Depixol banned. It is still given to people, and they live in limbo.

I value the Church because Christ’s apostles began it and He was there at the beginning. But I accept that some of its members have preached their own view of what is just and moral, enslaving the people that they should have helped grow nearer to Christ’s image, and inflicting punishment and threats of hell fire on those who do not agree with their teachings. What I know now is that God wants me to grow to the full capacity of my potential, and to value all people because they belong to the Human Race and are made initially in His image. Only Christ can judge us, because we do not all start off equal with love. Until we are all blessed with equal chances in life, there can be no fair judgement on any of us. Christians are so quick to judge. I accept Christ now as my God, as part of the Trinity. He is greater than me but He did not earn His greatness, and really cannot be praised for being what He is. When love rules any human heart, there is no option but self-sacrifice. Love is the power behind God’s will. I am full of wonder when I contemplate His power to love and know billions of people, and to be a presence in their lives, and to keep us all safe for eternity. He knows why people cannot love – and it is not always their fault – and in His goodness, He came to earth to breathe love into their souls.

You have many rules which I do not go along with. Women have suffered enough through man’s superior attitude. Jesus may have chosen men apostles but why? It was, perhaps, not seemly for women to enter into the homes of sinners or to travel with a band of men. That was at a time when women had to obey their husbands, however wrong their husbands were. To say a woman cannot take on the person of Christ through His grace at the Mass is to deny that we, too, are made in God’s image. Anyone who is open to Christ can receive His grace and love. This is not a virtue but a blessing, and an obligation to help others to find this joy. There are some born with nothing at all: no ability to receive or give love, no country, no healthy brain or body, no outlet for self-expression except destruction. How much must Our God love such people. No judgement: only healing. And we are God’s hands, lips, arms and voice to those cut off from love.

With love,

Christine